When You Have No Words
Sometimes life shelters you from the hurt being experienced by others and other times it seems like a flood of grief presents itself. This has been one of those weeks when I know there are so many out there hurting. If you are like me, you want to do something or say something but often do not know what to say.
My grandmother has lost all her children and I spent so many years doing and saying it all wrong. The past few years I’ve learned so much from my friend Michelle who lost her 16 year old daughter in a car accident. Today I thought I would share a few things based on what I’ve learned from her and gathered from other experiences that may help you when you have no words.
What Not to Say
- Comparing the persons loss to a loss you have experienced. We often do this because we want to find some commonality in the discussion but the fact is grief is very specific to the individual. We all process differently.
- Sharing religious advice or scripture. Yes, some scripture can provide comfort over time and turning to God will absolutely provide strength but saying to someone something such as “everything happens for a reason or God has a plan” can really cut a grieving person who could never believe God’s plan would include taking a a child or a young mom from her family.
- Sharing encouraging words such as “time will heal your heart” may seem very kind but ask any mom who has lost a child and I imagine she will tell you every day their heart still hurts in a big way and that will never change.
- My favorite, and one I’m pretty sure I actually have shamefully used, refer to their “new normal”. What was I thinking! For someone who has lost a critical part of their life nothing will ever be “normal” for them again.
Kind Words
- I’m so sorry for your loss; I will be praying for you.
- Follow up in the following months with a phone call or a card. So many people provide their prayers after a tragic event but in the months that pass everyone else goes back to their life while the person continues to grieve alone.
- Share a story about the person who has passed. I was always so afraid of bringing up the person out of fear of dredging up the hurt. As my friend Michelle notes in her Speaking About Grief post, we are not going to suddenly remind them of their loss! They remember every waking second and love nothing more than to keep their loved ones memory alive. Sharing special stories and memories is okay.
Be There
You have no idea how much it means to a family when you show up. Make time to attend the visitation or the funeral. Bring food for the family in the weeks following and spend some moments asking how they are doing and listen. Really, really listen. Head to the grocery store and pick up some staples like toilet paper and paper plates and easy to eat food to drop off at their house. Don’t ask what they need because they don’t know, just do it!
One more thing I would like to share. It is human nature when someone dies to want to understand how they died. This is especially true when the person is young. Let me caution you, unless you are very close to the family, if they have not shared this publicly this question can seem very callous. Take a look at your own heart and why you really want to know and think about how you would feel. At the end of the day, someone is gone and others are hurting and possibly wondering how and why themselves. Being there to support without question is so much more compassionate.
Prayers to the family and friends remembering their friend Manda this week.
greta advice, Shelly.
Loss is so hard and many times we just don't understand why it happens.
And more times then not, people do not know what to say or what to do.
Thank you for sharing!
Oh Shelly so sweet of you to post this as so vitally important and to remember Manda, who's story has touched so many of us in blog land. Losing my dear grandma last year made me realize lots of things abut loss. Many prayers to your oldest's dad's side as they go through such a painful time and HUGS to all!! Beautifully Written friend!!
Manda's story has really affected us blogging folks. I'm sorry for your oldest's dads family loss. Losing a child is not so,etching I can even thing about. Love this post 😘
well said at a perfect time.
Oh Shelly so sorry about the loss your children are going through. It was heartbreaking about Manda….a beautiful life taken way too soon. And I'm so thankful for her amazing friends sharing her story with us. Hugs to you this weekend my friend
Wonderful tips!
I'm so sorry to hear about the loss in your family. I'm sure this really shook your big kids, especially since it was unexpected. These are all such great tips about dealing with a loved one's grief. I would agree that just being there and also sharing memories is the best way to comfort someone. When my mom passed away 2 years ago, I loved the cards and emails I received that shared special memories about my mom. I hadn't heard many of the stories. And I will never forget some unexpected family members who came to the funeral. I was so touched that they made the effort to come, even though they didn't know my mother. Hope you have a good weekend, despite the sad news.
This is all such great advice… I know that I have often been at a loss for words in those situations. You are so right about telling a happy or funny story about the person, though. When my grandfather died the year before last, I loved hearing other people's experiences and stories about him. It was comforting to know how many people he touched and how loved he was. I'm so sorry for your loss, Shelly. I'm thinking of you and your family.
I actually just listened to a podcast all about this subject, and it was so interesting. It really touched on some good points. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss you all are going through right now too. Will keep you in my prayers tonight!
Shauna
http://www.lipglossandlace.net
First of all, I'm sending thoughts and prayers for the loss in your extended family. This is such a well written post. When I lost my father last year, I was so saddened by the many people who stayed silent and didn't say anything to me at all. And some of the best things were letters and phone calls with personal stories about my dad. Thanks for writing such an important and thoughtful post.
It is so hard to know what to say when others are struggling! This post was fantastically helpful! <3
It's so hard to find the right thing to say when someone suffers from loss and you advice is really great. Big hugs and prayers to you for losses suffered ❤️
Such a great post and one that we all struggle with for sure. It has taken me YEARS to learn to just keep it simple and authentic.
Wow beautifully written. Thank you Shelly for you willingness to post on such a tough subject. I'm so sorry to hear about the families loss they will be in my prayers. You are such a blessing! Love you
Thank you brave lady for helping grow compassion in others. You have no idea how much you have helped me. Love your heart girl.
I love that Beth…simple and authentic. That sounds so much easier than we often make it.
I'm so glad Susannah. This is such a hard thing for so many of us but we will face these situations more and more as we grow older so it' so important to me to learn to be compassionate.
Wise words. I find myself saying time heals too often and to my horror. The idea of sharing a special story about the loved one who has passed is such great advice. I remember hearing about Manda through Sheaffer's blog. So sad to realize she has passed. Bless her heart. Thinking of her and her family and your Big's family and friends.
I really have done it wrong so many times Leslie. Especially with my sweet grandmother. I always just wanted her to move on…and how horrible is that?!!! I did all the wrong things for years.
Thanks Lindsay. It really is hard but honestly shouldn't be since we all know it is something inevitable we will have to deal with at some point in our lives. Hoping I always stop to think about whether or not my words and actions are compassionate or not first.
Lana my dad was diagnosed with cancer and was gone in less than 60 days. During that time the number of people who told me how sorry they were and prayed for me was huge. I literally remember feeling lifted up by their prayers and I know it is what led me to be strong enough to walk with him through his illness.
Shauna I would love for you to share the podcast if you have a chance!
It really is almost amazing how we can know someone so well but not realize how they may have impacted others lives. Hearing those stories after they are gone can really serve to fill your heart. I did not really know Reid's step-daughter but cannot even imagine the loss of a child. No momma should have that burden.
My kids were definitely feeling the loss for their dad and wanting to support him and his wife. Just so tragic. I was really shocked when my dad died as well at the number of people who not only came to his funeral but who came to the hospital to visit him and pray with him while he was ill.
Thank you Mary!
Thanks Kimm
Thanks you Deena.
She was an amazing person. I had an aunt that died of cancer at 34 and she was amazing like that too…touching so many people and leaving behind a lasting impression. Always makes me want to be a better person. And yes..no mom or dad for that matter should have to go through losing a child. I really cannot imagine either.
Thanks sweet friend. Life lessons that are not always easy right?
It seems so crazy, though, that it is so tough when we are all born knowing at some point we will all die. Death is not something any of us can avoid yet it is so hard sometimes to find words.
Shelly, this is such a great post. And a friendly and compassionate reminder for all of us. One thing that I always try to say in these moments is simply, "You will be in my thoughts and prayers." And if I am too far away, I always ask if there is anything I can do from the distance. I agree with you completely, that if you are near by, don't ask what they need…just do it! Such a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it with my #SpreadTheKindness Link Up.
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
Shelly, This is so helpful. I’ve been on both ends of that situation and I’ve learned over time that saying I’m sorry and just being there is better than the other comforting things (which were not comforting) that I have said and done. These were truly great insights. Thank you for sharing. I’m going to share a link to this post on Twitter.
This is a great resource and perfectly timed. I woke up to the news yesterday that a longtime friend tragically lost her husband in an accident and that a family friend died unexpectedly. It's so tough to figure out what to do to comfort both families. Thank you so much for sharing this.