To Mentor or Manipulate
Have you ever used your influence in a relationship to give “wise” counsel? Have you ever used your influence in a relationship to insure that “wise” counsel led someone down the path you wanted them to take? I’m positive as a parent we have all done this at one point or another and never really thought twice. We know what’s best for our children after all right?
Three years ago I was faced with one of these opportunities and was failing miserably without even realizing it at the time. Beginning in November of Riley’s senior year of high school we began hosting MLB scouts in our home. The thought of my 18 year son being drafted and sent off to minor league ball terrified me. I had already had to adjust to him leaving town but thinking of him going into minor league ball far away from me where I would not have the opportunity to mentor him through the process terrified me. As a family we determined a dollar amount that we felt was reasonable and decided that was bottom dollar but as the draft closed in Riley seemed to be wavering on that amount and debating whether a lower amount would be satisfactory. Since I knew what was best, I was spending my time reinforcing over and over why signing wasn’t for him. I used lots of little tactics and was really making myself a little sick over it all.
Then when I least expected it, I walked into church one morning and was hit with a knife in my heart. Our associate pastor was preaching on manipulation…no big deal I am not into manipulation. Oh my goodness was I in for a huge surprise. After pointing out all the normal straightforward ways people manipulate others, he dove right into pointing out all those subtle ways we manipulate. You see, I was using my influence as a parent to decide what was best without ever taking into consideration what God’s plan for Riley might have been. I cried through the entire service as I knew I had only been thinking about myself and not Riley at all. The last thing I wanted was for my baby to leave because I felt sure he wasn’t ready. What I failed to consider is that when it is part of God’s plan He will insure those following His path have the tools they need to succeed.
I texted our pastor after the service through tears to tell him I felt God had spoken to me directly through him that morning. I expressed all my fears and he gave me the best advice. He told me to pray that God would put people in Riley’s path who were honest and true and could lead him along the way.
Riley for sure thought I had lost my mind as I immediately went straight for him upon returning home and through tears…sobs really…I expressed to him how wrong I had been to try and manipulate his decision. I told him I trusted him to make the right choice.
I felt immediate relief in that moment. Instead of continuing to take things into my own hands I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was pray. God as always knew exactly what he was doing and it is so clear now that the path Riley is currently on is the one meant for him.
It’s so hard for me sometimes to let go and trust God’s plan. I can look back on my life and see how things worked out the way they were meant to be even when there were hard times. Looking forward I often find myself caught in the trap of trying to “play god”; manipulating instead of mentoring. It’s in these times when I most certainly feel so conflicted and anxious and sometimes even angry when someone isn’t following my suggested path. It is only when I wise up and turn my eyes to God and begin praying for that person, praying for God to give me the ability to offer wise counsel that is totally unbiased or better yet praying I can accept His plan over my own that I begin to feel content.
I’m so grateful God has blessed me with these four precious babies and so thankful for the grace He provides when I fail so miserably.
Read other grateful heart posts here.
What a wonderful post!! I can totally relate to you! I can not tell you how many times I have tried to get things to go how I want them and God says no, It my way…I am in control not you!! It is a very hard thing to swallow at times because my personality likes to have control (not in a bad or mean way) ….again great post and Happy Monday!!
Thanks Megan! My personality leans first toward control too especially where my husband and kids are concerned…so hard…but growing every day!
Wow! What a way to start my morning! This was awesome, friend! Thanks for sharing! It's very hard for me at times to trust God's plan but as I look back over my life I can see His hand in it all (usually if it's Him moving me from where I thought I needed to be to moving me back to His way…). Grace. So.thankful.for.grace!
What a great post! Thank you for being so open with your raw gut emotions 🙂 I know there have been times where God has nudged (okay, pushed) me to do something and I denied him only to be reminded of my error later but I am so thankful I serve a forgiving Lord. Have a great day!
Thanks Jenny! I so have lived through so many times when I know God was sending me the message to go a certain direction and I totally ignored the signs. There have been several times when I remember asking for a sign and receiving something so clear I knew it was Him guiding me and those are the times I try to look back upon. Have a great week!
Wonderful post!
I so needed to read this.
As Kassie finishes up her junior year in college and prepares for her senior year as a student teacher I am finding myself very anxious and wanting to play God in helping her decide where she should settle after graduation. She is voicing a lot of interest in remaining in Washington and I desperately want her to apply for jobs in Texas.
As her mom, and as an adult who has "seen life" and knows a bit more than she does, I honestly think that Texas would be the right place for her to start her career.
However, I know that God has a plan and I keep praying for peace in His plan. But I so badly want her to give teaching jobs in Texas a try! I want her to meet someone wonderful here in Texas and settle down here…near me!
Thank you for sharing your story!
Have a good week!
-Kari
Oh Kari my heart feels for you! I really can't imagine my babies wondering off and not returning nearby. Thankfully we do have all this great technology now that allows us to stay in contact even from afar but I know it is not the same. I haven't even ventured to think about my kids not living nearby once my grand babies arrive!! I will pray for you and that God provides Kassie with the direction she needs to make such a big decision.
I love when you write from the heart like this because I can always relate. There is a fine line between control and guidance, and I often step over it in my parenting and my marriage. Have a great (busy!) week. 🙂
Thank you Tanya! I wish I could collect all these crazy thoughts more often. Don't even get me started on how I manipulate things in my marriage….I am always shocked by myself and the lengths I have gone to sometimes. Work in progress for sure! Have a great week!
What a beautiful story and what a strong, brave mama you are for admitting your mistake to your son personally. Thanks for sharing! XO
Thank you so much Sarita!
As we are nearing that point in life with both of our children, I keep reminding myself that God loves them even more than I can imagine. If that's what I believe, then I have to let Him have control of their future.
No, that's not right. Of their present.
It's tough, and I find myself starting over daily, but I know we've raised our kids to Him and I know He's got this.
I think parenting adult children is so much harder… and I have to remind myself daily that I am not in control. So thankful to have a God that loves them so fully and I can only pray they learn faster than I do to trust Him wholly with their future.
This verse is my favorite! Isn't it amazing how the Lord can speak so many messages through that one verse?! Thanks for linking up with Tuesday Talk!
Thanks so much for hosting Becky!
Gosh, this is so good Shelley! Straight from your heart, I love posts like these… more reminders of His love and care for us. (So I'm so curious to know – did Riley go?!)
This is such an inspiring post!! I am so glad my baby is only 6 still because thinking of what she will do after high school scares me to death. She always tells me she is going to live next door so she can walk over and visit me every day…but I know that wont be her thought when she is 18 lol. She is also on a kick that she wants to move to California to go to Disney and visit one of the boys who came to stay for the summer ball league here at Slippery Rock University. I hope everything works out for the best and I am sure it will. Its amazing what happenes when you let go and let God!
thanks for linking up at Totally Terrific Tuesday! Pinned and shared!
Jess LiveRadnomlySimple
Thanks so much for reading Jessica! My youngest is 9 and I always tell her how good her little hand feels in mine and she says she will always want to hold my hand….gosh I sure hope so!! It's so hard to let our babies grow up and lead their own lives…sending them out into this scary world and letting them make their own decisions and experience failure.
Manipulation, no not us! Women, no not us! Wives, no not us! Wrong – we've all done what you've done and we like to label it something different. I have lots of titles for it. Conviction don't you just love when God does that! Honest and true this post for all of us!
Right? I'm the queen of manipulation and justifying it all in my mind. 🙂 Oh the things we learn about ourselves when we take a step back and evaluate.
This is so true, Shelly. I think we all do it because we want to be in control. What a great reminder that God's plan for us (and our loved ones!) is better than anything would could ever dream up on our own…we just need to trust in Him! (Easier said than done sometimes!) -Jess, Sweet Little Ones