To Flourish or to Fail

A few weeks back I received an email from one of our ministry leaders at church requesting I consider working an upcoming women’s event.  The date is February 13th and, if I’m being honest, my initial thought was this was not on my “yes” list.  This date also happens to be the opening day for TCU baseball and the thought of missing the opening game was tough.  The more I thought about it the more I felt drawn to serve and after considering this for probably two weeks I committed to volunteer. Tonight we had our first volunteer meeting and I was still a solid “yes” to serve.  Again, if I’m being honest, before tonight my initial thought was, sure, I can work the photo booth for the night and greet a few people and the bonus is I’m sure I will take something away from the speaker.  Boy was I in for a surprise.  In order to participate as a volunteer there was a commitment form.  Not just a yeah I’ll sign up and be here form a real COMMITMENT form with 10 separate items to commit to and only a handful had anything to do with actually working the event.  The rest…they wanted me to commit to maintaining Biblical integrity, living a lifestyle that shows obedience, following instructions outlined in scripture and refusing to gossip.  The first one was easy as it only ask I commit to have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior…check.  Each one I read after that I could hear the voice inside my head saying “you can’t commit to this” and “you sure are not worthy to commit to that” and “oh my goodness you can’t quote a single scripture”.

You see I am totally afraid of failure.  It has always been one of my biggest weaknesses.  I know I am still so inadequate when it comes to tying every day life to actual scripture and I also know I’m still so far away from being the woman God has intended me to be.  Anytime I have ever felt like succeeding was going to be too tough I have chosen a different path and often it was a dark path full of heartache. Yes, Mom, I know you are nodding and remembering all the times you asked “what is the problem Shelly, are you afraid of succeeding”?  The two ladies leading this group stated several times they specifically prayed for God to lead them to the women who would not only help with this event but who would continue to help grow the women’s ministry at our church. Really?  My immediate thought was they really don’t realize all the baggage my life has held.  They don’t know all the ungodly things I have done.  Even if they only see the me I am today they didn’t see me act so unloving to my husband today or argue with my son over something so darn stupid AS I DROVE HOME FROM CHURCH!! They….don’t…know.

All of these thoughts are thoughts from my previous self.  The one who made the wrong choices at the wrong times.  I realized the voice in my head was not my voice but instead the voice of satan working on my weak spot.  Committing to me has always meant I could not fail when in actuality the truth is committing to follow God means I know I will fail but I’m committed to keep trying. So I signed that form LIKE…A…BOSS.  Before I left I expressed my fear of being inadequate to one of the ladies and requested she pray for me and I feel certain she will.   My job is to dive into the word and do my best to be the best disciple I can be.  My Jesus calling from yesterday provided the verse Matthew 6:21 – For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  I want my heart to be with Jesus but I definitely surround myself with other treasure daily.  So thankful for God’s grace!

Then as if God knew exactly what was going to happen today (because HE DID), tonight I opened todays Jesus calling and read these words…when you bring Me prayer requests lay out your concerns….then thank Me for the answers I have set in motion long before you can discern results.

Wow….God knew exactly how insecure I was going to feel tonight.  I could have decided not to sign the commitment form but instead He placed me in a group of amazing women where I felt safe enough to admit my fears and ask for prayers.  I am thankful, so, so thankful.

Take that satan!

If you are in or around College Station and are interested in the women’s event, Flourish, sponsored by Brazos Fellowship,  you can find more info here.  Feel free to contact me as well for more info.