Purging my Heart – Memories of Dad
One of the areas I really wanted to tackle this year was purging the entry closet. While it is a decent size and does hold coats, it also holds a huge assortment of scrapbooking stuff (I should have joined a twelve step program) as well as lots of memorabilia piling up. It had been weighing on my mind but I knew it would be time consuming.
Finally, vacation days dedicated directly to working on some home projects! I made it to the closet on day one and at first it was super easy. I was able to toss a few coats and organized the one day to be filled scrapbooks in a more efficient way. As I started sifting through the rest, however, I ran into THE box.
If you have been reading for a bit, you know I lost my dad to colon cancer almost 13 years ago when he was only 58. I was the executor of his estate and the first year my mind was occupied and I pretty much tossed all the personal items, his pictures, sympathy cards, funeral memorabilia, etc into a big box and stored it in the closet. It was time to open the box.
I was not prepared, friends, for the range of emotions this box held. I loved my daddy y’all and always considered myself a daddy’s girl even though he was not the “standard” dad.
Typically 9 months out of the year for pretty much my entire life my dad was on the road working. We lived for that phone call once a week to catch up. It was not easy for my mom and the only saving grace was he provided enough she did not have to worry much about finances.
When he did come home there was no idle time but instead lots of projects. He was definitely much more type A than my mom so the condition of the house on the daily was sometimes an issue. If he wasn’t working on the cars or tearing out some wall in our house he was typically at the beer joint. Of course he quit drinking when I was 14 which was amazing but also strange and a whole different level of crazy for our family but that’s a story for a different day!
The thing is, as a daughter, I longed for my dad to be home and adored his attention. He always made me feel, well, pretty much like the prettiest girl around. His hugs were the very best and I truly always believed I was his favorite. Surprisingly, I do not really remember being angry that he was gone so much I just missed him.
My daddy did a lot of things wrong. He could be so hard on us and really did not take any crap when he was home. He griped and complained all the time about the dishes in the sink and the condition of our rooms and goodness how many Saturdays once I started driving was I made to wash and wax my dang car.
Church made my dad nervous and I am not sure I ever sat in a pew with him. A role model of a husband he was definitely not. I honestly give my mom the “stand by your man” award because I know I would have bailed but she stuck it out until he finally gave up.
When you become an adult, you realize how tough all these life decisions really are. You learn sometimes you make decisions you feel are best even if others might frown upon them. We become parents and we do things we swore we would never do like gripe all the time about the house (good grief could I have picked up some other habit from him). Sometimes we (consciously) do not live our lives in a Christ like way.
Sometimes I think my dad removed himself so much of the year because he knew it was best for us, especially when he was still drinking. His job fulfilled him in such a way that he was truly happier when he was on the road doing what he loved. While coming home begn as a joyful reunion, as the days between jobs stretched on his joy quickly faded.
My dad was not a traveling salesman out on business trips with an expense account. He was building pipeline across some of the most beautiful parts of our country. It was easy to see why he loved it as I looked through his many pictures of pipelines stretched across the unseen parts in the middle of a forest or a canyon typically not traveled by the typical person. He was working in water up to his waist, laying contorted underneath pipes and walking up and down what I would consider mountains. He was blue collar at its best and so proud to be a dang American.
As I looked at all these pictures he took of the pipelines stretching across the countryside and read the sweet words people who knew him on the road had to say I bawled my eyes out. I wanted so badly to have one more chance to tell him I understand now.
Right or wrong we all make decisions as parents we feel are best for our family. My daddy loved his job! I could only hope to have so much passion about my job that I would want to take a million pictures of me doing it. He thought he was doing what was right.
Maybe he was just incredibly selfish. Maybe I am too many days. At the end of the day I knew he loved us and he was oh so proud of us.
I’m thankful for the relationship I did have with my dad and for all the things we had because he worked so hard. I do not regret one ounce the time I invested loving him for just the man he was.
A father’s love can be a tricky thing because men don’t share their emotions. They are typically busy providing for and protecting. My Daddy and I are so much alike yet so different and I couldn’t imagine having anyone else as my father (he adopted me when he and my Mom married when I was 9). It’s not to late to tell him how you feel, to share the pride you have in him. Open you heart, let the words flow out and I promise he will hear.
I love the new look of your blog.
Thanks Stephanie….it’s taking me a bit to get the hang of WP but hopefully I’m on the uphill swing.
My dad became ill and his cancer progressed so quickly but I’m lucky we were able to be with him so much during those last few months. We were pretty honest with each other always and I do have peace that I shared with him before he died how proud I was that he was my dad. You are a lucky girl to have someone marry your momma and accept you as his own. My kids still have a strong relationship with their dad but I’m blessed they are also super close with Keith.
Really special post – thank you for sharing!
Thanks for reading Emily!
So beautifully written. And I LOVE the new look of your site!
Thank you Kellyann! I’m loving the look but still trying to find my way. 🙂 Right now I don’t think everyone is able to comment which is a little stressful…eek.
This definitely spoke to my heart. I don’t really understand where my relationship is with my dad, but I definitely know that life would be so different without him around. Thank you for sharing!
I love when a post reaches someone Allie! When my dad went through rehab when I was 14 things definitely changed for us. They don’t let you not share feelings when you are in rehab and it definitely brought us all closer and forced us to say things to each other we would not have before. Dads are definitely complicated and I really think now days dads are “allowed” so much more freedom to be involved than they once were.
Wow. Wow. I appreciate your wisdom. Don’t you wish we could have one more afternoon? One more phone conversation, one more hug, one more opportunity to say I understand a little better now? Beautiful piece, Shelly.
Thank you Leslie. I know I’m really fortunate to have been with my dad the last months before he passed and I was able to tell him so many things I had never said. Holding his hand as he went to be with Jesus was such a blessing. Thanks for reading and sharing your sweet comments!
Aw, that’s really touching. You are so lucky not everyone has this kind of relationship with their dads–or a dad present at least. He’s a good man.
He was definitely one of my biggest fans!
I love all your posts, but especially the ones where you share your heart! You’re such a jewel and wouldn’t be who you are today without your Dad’s influence…the good and the bad!! 🙂
Thanks sweet friend! I think you know first hand these are truly my favorite posts to write.
Aww…thanks sweet friend! You know I love sharing these posts the very most even if they are not the most read. Miss your insightful words.
Wow Shelly, this really touched me. My dad was similar to your dad in so many ways. He dealt with a lot of demons from his younger years, and unfortunately he was an alcoholic. He quit off and on, but never really was free of it. He was very stoic and hard on us, but I always knew he loved us too. He did suddenly last year, and I still haven’t dealt with everything. Thanks for this beautiful post – hugs to you!
Thank you for your comments Lana. My dads proudest accomplishment was giving up drinking and he knew it was only God getting him through which was something special to witness. He was sober almost 30 years when he got sick with cancer and he was so worried people would think he was a “dope head” because of all the pain meds. I know many of his issues also stemmed from childhood things…his dad was very hard on him as well. The thing is we all become adults and get to choose our reactions and how we want our own lives to be right?
Are there beer joints anywhere but Texas? I have “the box” in the closet for my Dad that I haven’t been able to go through yet. Maybe someday soon. Thanks for sharing your heart. And I love the new look of your blog!
Haha…beer joints are definitely a plenty here. My dad always called it his office. I can honestly say I was ready to deal with the box and it felt good afterwards.