Martyr Mom – 4 Tips to Stop the Suffering

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If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 100 times, parenting is NOT for sissies.   While dads have a critical role shaping our little angels, moms tend to dive in deeper. We worry more about, well, everything. We worry deeply about their heart and feelings.  We worry they aren’t eating enough of the right things and ponder the question does milk actually count as dinner if they drink enough? All the while we are also asking what do they think about us?  Do you become a martyr mom when the answers do not point back to your greatness?

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m an awesome mom!  My kids have decent grades and have never been in trouble (much) in school. I’ve been told they are well behaved or display good manners on many occasions.  So, yeah, I haven’t done a bad job of teaching them to be respectful, work hard and act right in public (or else).  So why do I find myself so often having a big ole’ pity party about my momhood?

I’m looking for that “exceeds expectations” on my performance evaluation.  A chance to sit down once a year and take a look at all that has been accomplished and do a little evaluating.  Maybe even find out I’ve been nominated for some sort of award because I over achieve on so many levels.  It’s at this point I realize, being a mom is hard but it is not really a job.  Being a mom is who I am, who I want to be but, y’all, there is no quitting, no finding a new job and no bump in pay. There is no manual for dealing with the different personalities or ever changing moods.  If you are looking for a benchmark to measure yourself against, well, you can create an entire new level of crazy by comparing yourself to other moms you think “have it all together”.

Last month I had one of those mom days, or let’s be honest I stretched it an entire week, when I just felt like a total loser mom.  I went searching in the worst place possible for a sign I was indeed exceeding expectations and those sweet angels of mine twisted a dagger straight through my heart.  There was no reassurance or positive feedback but instead I heard “you’re a fun waster” and “you never do any of the things you say you are going to do”.  One even told me all I do is make him feel like a burden and the other just stayed completely silent on the issue of my greatness.  I seriously wanted to just give it all up and quit. Immediately I started my ploy to stop doing laundry, stop being the first to reach out, to actually not care about their feelings.  I wanted to show them just how much they would be missing without me.  I set out on my quest to be the martyr mom.

Jokes on me for when you are a mom you cannot just shut it all off.  Serving my family brings me the greatest joy in my life and without them nothing else would really matter much to me.  Serving means humble sacrifice with no expectation of return.  When I serve in my community it fills me with such joy and I questioned why would I not serve my family in the same way.  So how do I serve my family and accept I may be the “okayest” mom ever without becoming a martyr mom when I don’t receive the approval or recognition I feel I deserve?

4 Tips to Stop the Suffering

Be yourself.  God created these kids and shaped them just for me.  He knew I would be the best mom to handle everything they would encounter in life and I have to trust He was right. The trouble begins when I steal from another moms toolbox and start to impose those ideals onto my children.  My expectations become unrealistic and we are all frustrated and disappointed.  You have to be confident to stand by the decisions you truly believe are best for your kids.

Learn to laugh at yourself.  As the mom you will find yourself being the punch line.  These little monsters will pick apart at your insecurities and join together like an army to poke fun.  Believe me, my kids love to point out what a martyr I am.  You can stomp your foot and demand an apology or you can laugh at yourself because it is all true.

Give grace; both to the kids and to yourself.  You will not ever get it right every single day.  There will be days when you react in ways that would make a reality TV show scream with excitement. Your kids will do things to challenge you, anger you and disappoint you.  Being able to accept none of us will ever be perfect helps me when all I want is to create a family fairy tale.

Love yourself first.  Making sure to continue to do things outside of your mom world will make you an even better mom. Make time to do the things you love whether it is joining a book club, going to the spa or scheduling a girls weekend away. Remembering who you are will make you be a more confident mom.

At the end of the day, I’m 100% confident every one of my babies would hit there knees the moment I am no longer a physical presence in their lives.  It is absolutely true none of them will fully be able to know or appreciate how hard this gig is until they become a parent.  My joy is fullest when I stop looking for approval and recognition and instead focus on loving them hard and leading them to become the best person they can be.

So the next time you begin to feel the martyr mom taking over, take a step away and evaluate yourself. I promise you are doing a much better job than you think you are!

Martyr Mom - 4 Tips to Stop the Suffering #parenting #motherhood

27 Comments

  2. Oh these are such great tips. I can really “go there” mentally and then it just sucks me in. I don’t like it, at all. Thanks for speaking truth and life. We all need to hear it.

  3. Great words of wisdom! I love hearing your parenting perspective since you have been through it all once before and now are getting to do it again for “round two.” I definitely think it’s true that kids will never be able to empathize with being a parent until they themselves are a parent. When I am feeling frustrated and entering martyrdom, I try to think of being a mom as my ministry. Serving and making life a little easier for everyone in our home is my “mission” at this stage in life. Have a wonderful day!

    1. I love that Tanya! That is really where I ended up too at the end of my little fit. Serving my family is what I love to do and I couldn’t stop if I tried. I will miss every single bit of it when they are all gone.

  4. This… this couldn’t come at a more perfect time for me to read. While we are having a good season with Connor, it’s the hard ones that really bring out the worst in me. I am often telling myself embrace grace because let’s face it, we all need a little more every now and then.

    1. What I can promise you, Stephanie, is you will look back later and think “man, that season wasn’t so bad after all” even though at the time it seemed so incredible hard! I use to pray so hard for patience…and then a friend filled me in that the more I prayed for patience the more I was going to be tested. I stopped that prayer right away!

  5. Now that my girls are grown adults, they love to gang up on me and make fun of Mom! But I just laugh! My sisters and I do the same to our mom! So they didn’t fall far from the tree with that!

  6. Wow, just wow! So insightful (again!) Thanks for the reminder that none of us have it all together all the time and we just have to take a minute to realize we’re doing a good job even we don’t feel it. You are 150% right that they won’t understand until they have their own just how deep our love goes for them. Have a great day, Shelly!!

  7. Shelly, this is perfection. I don’t think you’ve ever written a better post. Every single point hit home with me. I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like when my babies are teenagers with smart mouths and bad attitudes. I get frustrated VERY easily and I end up saying things I don’t mean when that happens, so I really have to be careful the way I react around them. Most of the time it’s pretty easy since they’re little right now, but once they get older and starting popping off at me, I’m going to have to be REALLY careful how I react.

    1. Girl I’m the queen of flying off the handle but I typically mean the things I mean…at least at the moment! My kids seriously will remember some of the worst times and they love to do little parodies of them together! haha I promise at the time you are going through it things will seem like the worst but you will look back on it and think it wasn’t so bad later on!

  8. Great post! I think a lot of people feel mom shamed too with the advent of Facebook and Instagram, but you are so right, we have to take care of ourselves first to be the best moms we can be for our kids. If I want to work out in the afternoons and throw a tv show on to keep my kids preoccupied, then that’s what I’m gonna do! Sign me up for a “World’s most okayest mom” shirt! 🙂

  9. I needed this post and kept nodding in agreement. I am not even sure where we got these “perfect mom” notions. Did generations of moms before think like this? Ive started to tell myself that I am not here to make everything magical, but to be there to raise confident, happy, hard working and open minded people.

  10. Now that my kids are grown, they like me! But oh, when they were your kid’s age, it could be tough. And I tried so hard!!! I used to do morning devotion and prayer time with them from the time my kids were little. Wasn’t I the super Christian mom????LOL. Well when my oldest was about 13 and acting every bit the 13 year old girl, she just wasn’t having it when I said “y’all come on, we’re going to pray”. She was being a real pill so I said “Amy, you get over here and pray or I’m going to slap the shit out of you”! I’m sure the Lord LOVED that example…we still laugh about that. Uh…don’t say that if you when you want your kids to pray. And there are numerous other examples of my excellent parenting. But they are now 30 and 28 with kids of their own and I have great relationships with them both.

    1. Cathy I just snorted wine out my nose!!! We have to meet in real life some day friend….it sounds like we are ALOT alike!! I’m very thankful to have my older two because it has made it a little easier not to take things so personally this second time around.

  11. I really needed to read this today-thank you! Camyn and I are having a hard time this summer, I don’t like 11 and I’m told it doesn’t get any better! 🙁

  12. Shelly, this is so good and true. Funny and encouraging. Great points you have. I love your point about service to others, but wanting appreciation at home for our service. Learn to laugh at yourself. So true. I have a young teen who is now developing a mouth and pointing out my faults. Ooch. Need to laugh and then he laughs and he says he is sorry. And so true about our kids not realizing how hard being a parent can be until they are one. My daughter with a toddler sometimes calls and asks how I did it and tells me she has a new appreciation for me. So appreciation may come, but it may be so long in coming you almost forgot what life was like with them. We need to quit being so hard on ourselves and not look to our kids to fill out our job evaluations.

  13. Thank you so much for sharing this! I needed to read this today. My son is just a few months away from turning 13 and the attitude is starting, and my 10 year old daughter started going through puberty about a week ago. Between adjusting to that, dealing with my 5 year old cutting her fingertip off and chasing my toddler tornado, I feel like I’m drowning!

    1. Oh the season on multiple personalities! My oldest two were tough but I think having the little two at home made it a tad easier because I did not have time to be hypersensitive about every detail. When my 3rd hit freshman year it was just awful for me…I felt shut out and distant and I worried all the time. I’m soaking up the 11 year old because right now she still thinks I’m awesome and I know like a light switch that could flip any day. It’s so hard Stefanie and there is just no way to walk away. Do your best to find some quiet time for yourself to reflect and recharge. If you don’t keep a journal about your feelings each day that can really be helpful too. I look back sometimes on the season that seemed so impossible and it feels so good to have persevered. Prayers your season shifts soon and offers a season of peace if only to help you catch your breath.

  14. My daughters and their daughters just left after a week-long visit. I had planned the most perfect activities! We were celebrating three birthdays and I tried to think of everything to make the birthdays special. But somehow the whole week fell flat. It rained everyday, my ‘delicious’ home-cooked meals flopped, the oven turned off in the middle of baking the birthday cake, we all got sick. And here I am, days later thinking how hard I tried and that it all just seemed such a mess. That my efforts weren’t really recognized.

    And then in my RIGHT mind, I know better. My daughters love me and love being home. And so what if the birthday cake is more like birthday batter.

    I know you are an amazing mom because your children are turning out so well. And I did something right because neither of my girls has been in jail or on drugs!!! Actually, they are wonderful responsible, hard-working adults. So let me pat you on the back for a job well done and then will you reciprocate? XO

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