Battling Alzheimers
It has been a bit since I’ve given an update on my mom and just felt the need to dump some feelings this morning. This little blog is a scrapbook but also my diary at times and while so many times what’s in our diary is private, when I feel something I’m battling with could help someone else, sharing becomes heavy on my heart. The last few weeks my heart has been battling with Alzheimers and I have either buried my feelings or gone to some dark places. This morning, I finally picked up a devotional that has been sitting for a little too long as well as my bible and boy did God speak straight to my heart.
After two months of my mom settling in and seeming to do so well at the memory care facility near me, she began regressing. She initially seemed to have some joy socializing with the other residents and had a smile on her face when I walked in. The staff loved her and she was always laughing with them. Although she was sometimes weepy, it seemed to come in spurts.
The number one reason we moved her from her home to begin with, aside from just overall safety, had to do with hygiene and the fact that she was so resistant to showers, etc and it was near impossible for one caregiver to handle. She has continued to be resistant but has also become very combative with the caregivers. Initially, even though it took several people, she was at least being showered regularly and had clean hair but they are obviously doing the bare minimum required at this point. Seeing your mom who always took pride in the way she looked have greasy hair and practically fur on her teeth at times is truly heartbreaking. I often think back to times when I may have judged a family for the way their parent looked and now know that we often do not have the full story. I’m thankful she is in fresh clothes everyday and remind myself the number one priority is she is safe.
We have worked with the doctor to try and change up some meds but so far there has been no change in this behavior. As I walk in she is initially happy to see me but it quickly shifts and she becomes very saucy with me. Often she turns her back to me and will not interact at all. It’s easy to question the close relationship I thought we had when she tells me directly “I don’t like you”.
Yesterday she stumbled and fell because she was trying to stop a caregiver from taking out the trash from her room. I feel for these caregivers who have a crappy job to begin with but then have to deal with someone being combative with them. And I KNOW first hand what it is like because before moving her this is what we were experiencing at home. Trying to be supportive of them but then also knowing that I have no answers on how to make it better is just so frustrating.
Yes, I know this is all the disease and not her. Believe me, I remind myself of that often but it is still just so hard to watch and know you literally have no control. I don’t want to see this get worse but see the other residents and know what is before us if she truly dies from this awful disease. So I pray for God to just take her and heal her. Mostly, I find myself praying she will die.
It is an awful thing to admit and I feel incredibly guilty when it comes out of my mouth. Part of me feels immediately selfish as if this burden is just too much in the way of my every day life. Then I feel incredibly sad because I know there will be another level of grief when she is no longer physically here for me to touch. The whole thing is just emotionally draining to be honest.
My heart knows God is with me but it has been months since I’ve picked up my bible. This morning I opened up a devotional that had also been tossed aside for months and was astounded to find God reassuring me right there on the page so directly through the words of Lysa TerKeurst.
The main verse for the day was 1 John 1:5 but in my haste to look it up I turned to John initially. Right there in my own handwriting at the top of a page was written Jesus had ALL the answers and He wept anyway. My first reminder, even if I had all the answers, the when, the how, the why, my heart could still be sad and I would still weep and that is okay.
The next thing to jump out to me on the devotional page was Satan is a liar. I believe this with my whole heart and honestly repeated that exact statement in my mind yesterday when mom told me she didn’t like me. Satan knows my insecurities.
The page continued to be filled with ALL the words I needed to comfort me. God will not leave me. The battle I’m facing belongs to the Lord and I must trust Him with the outcome. When she literally wrote that we can save our emotional energy and use it instead to dig into His Word like never before I just felt like someone had released me from a huge hug.
I continued to read Lysa’s words…this battle might not be easy or short-lived, but victory will be there for those who trust in God….what He leads us to, He will lead us through. Even if we feel like we have to fix our circumstances, a better strategy is to fix our hearts and focus our minds on the reality that God is working and everything God touches is eventually redeemed.
She wrapped up with the reminder that God is good always; even in the darkness, even when it seems hopeless. And more importantly, God is good at being God! He sees the bigger picture when we cannot and He will reveal a plan to us if we will trust Him day by day.
Why, oh why, does it always take me so long to turn to the one source of comfort that ALWAYS makes me feel less alone and more confident that I can push forward. All I know is when I hear Him so clearly as I did today it brings me to tears and provides so much comfort.
In His time, my mom will be made whole. She will be redeemed and receive all the heavenly blessings she so deserves. In the mean time, He will provide the resources for me to help her receive the best care possible while she is still here. He will continue to lead me to the right doctors and the right meds to ease the burden on her caregivers. He will give me the healing words to pass on to others who may be struggling too.
These are the things I’m praying for His guidance with today! I’m determined, if nothing else, that Alzheimers will not break me. If you are also in the midst of battling Alzheimers with someone you love, my heart goes out to you and I would be honored to add you to my prayer list.