Is building a stronger marriage still a priority for you? As we celebrate our anniversary each year I’m always amazed at how it really doesn’t seem like it was that long ago that we said I do and started this journey together. Some days, maybe even years, have been much longer than others but it is so rewarding to look back and see how far we have come because we made our marriage a priority.
Today I am taking a little walk down memory lane and sharing 15 Tips to Buiding a Stronger Marriage.
Be a Team
I read someone say once when she and her husband begin arguing over something one of them will start to say “same team, same team”. It was like a lightbulb went off for me. At the end of every disagreement it is what I really want to remember. We are on the same team and even if we may have different ideas on how to get there the outcome is still the same. We want our family and our marriage to stay together!
Be Compassionate
It is so not easy to watch someone go through a tough time and early in our marriage we really did not know how to be very compassionate because we were still so selfish. There will be times when your spouse is hurting in ways you cannot understand because maybe you haven’t been there or maybe you process things differently but providing your support is huge. Maybe that means you pick up the slack with the kids or the housework or maybe you send encouraging notes. Whatever it is show your spouse it is okay to step away and handle a tough time even if it means being apart.
Be Thoughtful
The first two years of our marriage we lived in different towns during the week. Because of this we texted and talked on the phone alot. I always say those two years saved our marriage because he was able to adjust slowly to my crazy. I can always count on Keith to send me sweet messages through text during the day which reassures me I’m always on his mind. I am not quite as good about this but I always know when it hits me to send a “just thinking of you” text that he is going to be smiling on the other end.
Be Careful with Actions vs Intentions
How do you judge your spouse? We all know where our own intentions lie and nine times out of ten we have good intentions even if our actions do not match up. So why when dealing with our spouse do we automatically switch this up and judge on actions?
This has definitely been the hardest for me. I am a tad hot headed and immediately fire off that shitty text message when Keith’s actions are not matching up with my expectations. Usually once I’ve calmed down it is perfectly clear; I know how much he loves me and I know he would never intend to hurt my feelings or let me down even if it does not appear that way by his actions.
Build a Supportive Tribe
Surround yourself with other couples who support your marriage! There are going to be times marriage is not easy. Having good friends who may listen and guide you in a positive way is huge…HUGE! The last thing you need when you hit a little roadblock in your marriage is a friend who chooses to encourage you to work against your man instead of for your marriage. It also does a marriage good to surround yourself with couple friends who are committed and at different phases of their walk. Seeing others who have worked through tough times and come out on top is so encouraging.
Don’t Waste Fun
I’m going to go ahead and pull this from my kids summer camp theme. No matter what you are doing do not miss an opportunity to have a little fun and laugh together. Some years that may mean you take vacations and get away and some years you may be flat out broke or too busy with kids activities.
Try to remember you can have fun anywhere if you allow yourself to relax a little and laugh together. I am the queen of wanting to plan out ever second of a vacation and “chilling” is not in my vocabulary. Learning to go with the flow and laugh when things don’t go exactly as I planned has been huge.
Over Communicate
Have you ever heard the saying to assume will make an ass out of you and me? Our picture should be beside the definition! Texting complicates communication to some extent but the fact is Keith and I totally struggle with communication. We just speak different languages and so often have gotten our wires crossed. When in doubt I say over communicate! Take note when you communicate well so you can model the same in the future. When in doubt, just send a funny GIF and all should be forgiven….at least this seems to be Keith’s motto!
And by all means, if there is something you need tell your spouse!! Even if they should be able to see that the dishwasher is full of clean dishes and needs to be unloaded ask them for help anyway!! Don’t take to slamming doors and cabinets waiting for them to clue in your pissed as you may be disappointed when they never notice.
Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Getting up at the ass crack of dawn to head out fishing is not exactly my favorite thing to do but my man loves to fish. When I see how freaking excited he gets when I catch a fish and realize how much he loves sharing this with me it’s hard not to feel my heart grow just a little bigger. Having family pictures taken I know is not on his top list of things he would like to do either but he does it because he knows how very much it means to me. He even smiles..mostly.
Pray
For many years I prayed for Keith but it was all self serving. Instead of praying for him I was praying about him. I learned by praying for my own heart to soften in our marriage I was better able to support him the way a wife should and through this kindness he became a stronger husband.
Choose Joy
I know it sounds cliche’ but comparison really is the thief of joy. Looking to other marriages and trying to compare them to yours can really lead you to a negative place. I can always, always find something from the outside looking in from someone else’s marriage which I think is better than ours. What I fail to remember at times is we are not that couple. We both bring different backgrounds and emotions and skill sets and honestly on any given day there are other’s who may be looking at our relationship and being envious.
Trust His Leadership
I was raised by a mom who taught me to rely only on myself instead of a man and I mistook her direction to mean I should not rely on a man for anything. Being the “bread winner” for most of our marriage led me to think I got to make the decisions. It was really a huge shift for me to begin turning to Keith for his leadership. So many times he would not speak up because I had not shown him the respect he deserved. I really had to learn allowing him to lead did not mean I was weak. This was is probably one of the very hardest areas for me to overcome.
Date Your Spouse
We get so busy living and easily forget all the reasons we fell in love in the first place. I love having time alone to chat over dinner. There are times when all we talk about is the kids but other times I will bring along some fun little questions and it always gets us talking and laughing and remembering those little things that made us stick in the first place. I blogged about one of our date night interviews in
Man Crush Monday.
Play to Your Strengths
So yes, there are “traditional” roles as to what the husband and wife should handle in the marriage but no one said that was the only way. I have an accounting degree and am the Type A personality so it makes sense for me to handle our finances as well organizing activities. Keith really enjoys cooking so many nights he arrives home and takes over in the kitchen. Do what works best for you.
Argue Respectfully
You are not always going to see everything eye to eye for sure. I would like to say I’m the bigger person in this arena but that would be a lie. I’m the hot head who will fight to the end of the earth to get my way (oh yeah, did I mention the only way) or prove my point. Somewhere in life I learned to call names and say things out of spite or anger and wow, Keith did not learn to fight like this with someone he loves. Keith is so mild mannered but if I cross the line he will come unglued in a hot minute and set me straight. I’ve learned to tame my tongue and maybe take a few breaths before flying off the handle. We still argue about stuff but it is typically much more respectful nowadays. Best part of arguing is always the making up!
Connect in the Bedroom
Sex (yep I’m going there) should not be a reward for good behavior. Men are definitely more “needy” in this department and I will admit I have used this as a way to punish when things weren’t going my way. Guess who was losing…me! God gave us a way to come together and build true intimacy with a partner for a reason. It is a relationship builder in every way even when I’m so irritated with him I could spit. So be like Nike and just do it!
Kids are part of you but are not the center of your marriage. This is one of my favorite pictures from our trip in 2009. I think it is so important to remember that while your children are so very special, will shape you as individuals and stretch you to the core; continuing to nurture the relationship between the two of you is even more important.
Being able to stand strong together, celebrating the successes and the tough stuff with your kids is so much sweeter when the foundation of the family is strong. Marriage is not easy but nothing worth it in life ever is! So thankful to be sharing life with this man.
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Shelly, so beautifully said. As someone who has been married for 28 years now, marriage is always a work in progress. You touched on so many valid points! Congrats on 15 years, and here's to many many more.
Love this!!! All of your pictures are great and you guys look so in love! Congratulations on 15 years!!!
I love this so much
These are beautiful tips, Shelly. I love the one about having friends that support our marriage. I've never even thought about, but it's absolutely right. I think surrounding yourself with people who not only support you, but your spouse is a wonderful thing. It gives us more support, which we always need, no matter what. Thank you for sharing such an inspirational post with us. Cheers to you and your husband and to many many more years together 🙂
Gosh, I love this post! Thank you so much for sharing your words of wisdom, Shelly! Happy Anniversary!!
Not only are these great tips but you seriously get prettier every single year. I hear that is a sign of a good marriage too :).
oh my goodness, I just love this so very much! That last picture, I hope you have it giant size and somewhere in the house! I love the chose joy thing, so, so true. We always say to chose love, when we wake up we chose to love each other, after the puppy love/rose colored goggles come off we need to wake up and decide to chose to love your partner. Sometimes when we are fighting we'll just throw in there, I'm choosing to love you right now, and it usually is enough to break the tension and make us realize that fighting over something so stupid is in fact stupid.
Happy Anniversary! Loved seeing all the older pictures! Have fun at the beach!
Happy Anniversary, great advice too!
Love this! The old pictures are priceless and I was nodding my head "yes" with everything you wrote. I had been on my own and supporting myself for 13 years before I met Michael, so I had quite a independent and hard-headed streak to work through. And actions vs. intentions…so important. Have a fun beach weekend!
I love this post, Shelly! You two make a beautiful couple. I'm a little behind on my blog reading this week, so I didn't get to wish you a happy anniversary! I hope you had a fabulous one & I wish you many, many more!!
Happy Anniversary! I love these tips. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't get a quick text or email from Adrian just letting me know he loves me. I hope y'all had a great day!
So good Shelly. So very good. Wishing you many more years together.
Thanks Michelle! Realized tonight I somehow erased part of my post at some point over the long weekend….I'm sure it was his fault. haha
It really can change the course of the day sometimes can't it? Thanks JulieAnn!
Thanks Emily! I'm totally off my blog game and realized tonight I had somehow erased part of this stinkin' post!! Geez! Thankfully I still had enough brain cells left to recover my words. 🙂 Hope you had a super weekend!
I really do think it's the hardest after being on your own….so….stinkin' hard! Of course now I just beg all the time for him to take EVERYTHING over but we both know if he did I would go crazy. haha Marriage is not for sissys for sure.
Thanks Kellyann!
Thank you friend! We had such a great getaway!
Beautiful, beautiful post ! <3
& congratulations for your 15 years anniversary!!! 🙂
xx
Umberta
http://thesecretlifeofanactress.blogspot.com
Congratulations and I love all of your photos. Marriage takes commitment and hard work so thanks for the reminder and sharing with us at Over the Moon.
Great tips! And beautiful photos 🙂 I think I struggle the most with finding other couples to support us. Unfortunately, so many of our friends are struggling in their marriages. It's hard to walk through with them, but it has made us cling to one another. Praying God puts some strong couples in our path to walk through life with. Visiting from #TuesTalk
I enjoyed the photographic memory lane! I love that you talked about praying for your husband. I prayed, too, but for God to change him! Once I prayed for me to understand him is when things improved!
Terri….so true for me too!! I totally prayed "about" him for so long.
Rebecca….I'm so sorry I never responded to your comment. Thank you so much for taking the time. I have to say this was definitely one of our challenges early on. I wanted to have couple friends so bad but we were hanging out with some that really weren't the best influence. Thankfully I realized at some point, just like girlfriends, it's better to have quality over quantity.